Don’t get me wrong. She’s amazing. Adoption is incredible. God is doing unspeakably more than we could ask or imagine. But it is hard. Really hard.
She was adopted by us only because of unimaginable loss. She lost her birth family, her birth culture and although it was a broken place, the orphanage (the only place she has ever known). She only knows how to live as an orphan. She has survived trauma, neglect and loss that no two year old should bear. That has shaped her. It takes time to begin to learn a different way of life and learn that connection is healing.
The only way she can learn to live as a beloved daughter is to live it. She is no longer an orphan, but doesn’t know how to live any differently (insert all the personal and spiritual applications here!)
I wish I had perfect patience and compassion. I don’t. What I share here is me processing, not an evidence that I have arrived. Especially as sleep and rest are hard to come by, my irritation and impatience bubble over. My prayers are desperate confessions and prayers for mercy for me and compassion for her.
It’s hard. None of this surprises us. We’ve walked through it before. But just because we knew it could be this hard doesn’t necessarily make these hard days any less tiring. She is worth it. Adoption is worth it. We didn’t adopt because it is a road marked by all joy and smiles but because we have been loved first.