Last month, we walked through a season in our adoption that caught us off guard. A loss we were not prepared to face. The peak of sweet joy, followed by deep sorrow has been hard to walk through. This loss has forced me to grapple with my own understanding of God’s character, His sovereignty and goodness. My questions haven’t been as much about God’s goodness towards me, but how all of this impacts the life of a little child on the other side of the world in a Hindu orphanage. There are no easy answers to these questions or platitudes that speak to the depth of the brokenness around us. God is bigger than we are, His ways and thoughts so far beyond ours. I used to think it was His ways to accomplish my Godly desires that were higher. But it is His ways to accomplish His desires that are higher. I am learning that His ways, His desires, His purposes are all beyond mine, even when it makes no sense to me. He’s just asking for my weak and flawed obedience and faithfulness. Step by step. Moment by moment.
In the early days following this loss, we visited a sunflower field. Throughout the day, sunflowers follow the path of the sun. These young sunflowers need to face the light. This has been my inspiration in these hard days. When it’s hard to face the day, when the loss feels heavy and the questions don’t have answers, I remember the sunflower. I do my best to look up. I do my best to follow the light, to cling to Jesus, lament, reorient my heart to the truth I know.
Perhaps one gift from this loss is a shattering of the boxes I unintentionally held God in. Boxes that I thought explained who He was and what and how He works to accomplish His purposes. When boxes like these fall apart, (which is a grace from God), I return to the basics. I remember we live in an utterly broken and sin stained world, a world where there is no silver lining to some of the brokenness. God’s love is unfathomable and His holiness is perfect. God has overcome the darkness and the brokenness through Jesus. Fully and with eternal glory. But. We won’t know that fullness on this side of heaven. So we wait, with full hope of our faith that will one day be sight. We share the hope we have with those around us. We imperfectly learn bit by bit, day by day the character and love of God. We cling to the freedom of the Gospel moment by moment, when it doesn’t make sense, when we don’t want to obey, when the road is unclear. For one day, we will fully be in the presence of the Light we have imperfectly followed all of our days.
Friend, whatever sadness or loss or disappointment you are facing, let it be a reminder to look up.