Holidays and Unexpected Grief
I am learning many things about loss in this season of infertility. Loss takes many different forms. It's helpful to know that what we're experiencing in this season is a form of loss. At times, I can anticipate grief and prepare myself to cope with it. Other times, I feel completely blindsided with emotion. A friend described it this way, the grief will come in waves. Sometimes, it will knock you over and other times, you will barely notice it (I'm so thankful for friends who can remind me of this when I feel crazy for feeling so emotional!). Adoption is a tremendously beautiful journey, but it doesn't heal the sadness of infertility.
Cue Father's day. Paul isn't one to get overly excited about celebrating such days, so we hadn't thought much about it. This year, Paul was doing baby dedications for the first time at Calvary. As I watched Paul hold these sweet, new babies and pray over them, I was completely overcome with sorrow. I was sad that we may never be able to have a newborn baby to hold in our arms again. Paul is a tremendous dad. The way he loves Asher has drawn me to be even more grateful for him. He is kind, patient and incredibly fun! I have loved watching Paul be a dad. That Sunday, I was heartbroken, remembering that we may never be able to rejoice over a new baby's life again. I sat in the pew and wept. Heartbroken, I cried to the Lord. I sobbed my sorrows and disappointments, anxieties and confusion to him. I had very few words, but in that moment, I leaned into him as much as I could.
As I grieved and prayed, I couldn't sing the worship songs. I sat quietly, hearing others proclaim the truths of God, the tremendous compassion of Christ, and the beauty of the Gospel. Our Worship Director began talking about true worship. He referred to great acts of worship where people surrendered their dreams and laid down thier lives. The ultimate act of worship was Jesus' obedience to the Father unto death. Death for me. That truth pierced me. God is asking me to worship through obedience and surrender. Am I willing to surrender my dream of having more children biologically? Will I obey and move forward with the call to adopt? To be honest, I want life to be normal, sometimes even easy. I want to be able to have our dream of a family of 3 or 4 kids, 2 or 3 years apart. I don't want to be investigated by an adoption agency to see if I am a fit parent or have the fear of being able to raise money to be able to grow our family through adoption.
I poured my heart out to the Lord. As I became more aware of the ways I am so weak, hope began to rise. God will enable to me to worship in this way. He will give me the strength I need to make this sacrifice that feels so hard. Just like Abraham and Isaac and Jesus, He will enable me to walk this road of worship so that He will get the most glory.