My road to being this little one’s mom was so hard. In some ways I had to force myself to love the idea of him. I wanted biological babies. I never considered another way. I never thought I could do adoption. It was my own experience of brokenness and suffering that made me even consider the idea of becoming the mom of someone who had called someone else mom before me. As God walked us down this road, my heart changed. It was a slow change and required a lot of grief, lament, surrender and honesty. Through my own suffering, He opened my eyes and my heart to the suffering and loss around me. Somehow by the end, it wasn’t about me.
If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought we were pretty amazing parents. He attached beautifully. He fit into our family seamlessly, like he had never not been with us. He weathered the storms of medical trauma and extreme separation anxiety with grace. He grieved and leaned into us. He fully caught up developmentally in less than a year. These things have much less to do with us, a lot to do with him and even more to do with God’s sovereignty.
Kai’s an incredible boy. His biological family must be pretty amazing. His foster mom was the most sacrificial and loving women I have ever encountered. My 20 minutes with this woman have impacted my life forever. Her love is the reason he adjusted so beautifully. Yet even more, I see God’s grace. Walking into an experience I was afraid of and one that pointed to my own grief, He was so kind. Within only a few months home, we were ready to return to adopt another child. Had the attachment journey been different, I don’t know how quickly or if we would have considered adopting again. God knew. In many ways, this little boy changed the trajectory of our family. He changed me in a deep and forever kind of way.
I am so grateful for his life and how he changed mine. He will never fully understand just how incredibly God has used his life and loss and pain in these short years. God uses our kids to change us. God cares for and loves our kids deeply. He is always working. He is always near. Kai’s my reminder of this all. #hopewins