I'm Feeling It

We're good.

We're just waiting.

We're praying to be matched.

We're hoping to be matched this month.

We're so busy with these boys in the wait.

We're confident that God is in the details of the timing.

We're sure that on the other side of the wait, we won't even remember it.

These are all honest responses to the question of how our adoption is going, many of which I've shared with people even in the last few days.

Irritation.

Frustration.

Exhaustion.

Feeling alone.

Disappointment.

Discouragement.

In the past weeks, these have all been popping up in my heart kind of like a game of whack-a-mole, when I paused, I began to think more carefully about these unwanted things popping up in my everyday life. Is it really about the misunderstanding or whining children or unmet goals or miscommunication? As I prayed and considered these things, I realized these aren't really it.

These things are popping up more often because of something else that's taking up a whole lot of space in my heart. Anyone else ever realize these presenting struggles just are not telling the whole story?

Here's what I realized. This waiting. This waiting is getting hard. Really hard.

Each day, I'm checking my email countless times and picking up my phone to just make sure I didn't miss our agency's call. It's become a small, daily obsession. Another week has passed without a call.

Everything I said before is still true. God is still near and good and orchestrating every detail of this journey. We have precious children to pour into. But, the wait is hard and we are only two months in. This wait could continue and after our match, there will be even more of a wait.

Waiting is hard because there is often an accompanying temptation to despair or question or compare or grumble. Lately, my heart has not been fixed on Christ. Just like Peter, when he was walking on the water, took his eyes off of Jesus and began to sink. That's been me these past couple weeks, starting to sink.

I was reminded of a John Piper quote this week, "The strength of patience hangs on our capacity to believe that God is up to something good for us in all of our delays and detours."

My prayer is becoming for the Lord to grow patience within me and bolster my belief that He is up to something good. The waiting may not get easier, but as I pray for these things as I also pray for a match to come quickly, my heart begins to transform. I wish I could say this is a weekly prayer, but it's becoming a daily prayer, sometimes even moment by moment.

As the Lord draws near to me in these hard days of waiting, I know that He will also sustain me. He is doing just as much work in my heart in this wait as He is across the globe to prepare our child for us. This is our God.

He calls us to do something that only He can accomplish. He works to accomplish the large and small miracles necessary. He is near to us and to those around the globe. He cares deeply for the orphan. He cares deeply for our souls too. He uses every moment of this to make us more like him, calling us to keep our eyes fixed on Him, the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2).

Whatever you are waiting for today, is an invitation to draw closer to Him. Pray your disappointment, anxieties, frustrations to the Lord, while inviting Him to minister to you in your waiting. Preach the Gospel to yourself. Reorient your heart to the truth of who God is, who you are and how deeply He loves you. Cling to these truths when your heart is tempted to be swayed by what your wait whispers to your soul.