Light Broke Through

This Christmas is so different. Not just the pandemic, which is making it different for us all. We’re also in this strange season of new life. Over the last years, the idea of a person turned into a vision of a person which now is full life transforming our family and learning to live a life where absolutely everything is new.

It’s beautiful. It’s humbling. It’s sanctifying. It’s redemptive. It’s overwhelming. It’s amazing. It’s broken.

So many people are reminding us of what a special Christmas this is (which it is!) and how happy we should be (which we are!). But today, instead of basking in the sweetness of this Christmas, I sobbed into my pillow. I don’t feel Christmasy. I don’t really want doing anything extra. I don’t feel extra excitement or fun. I am doing everything I can to do our traditions, make memories and make much of the Gospel. But I feel like I’ve dropped the ball more than I’ve carried it.

I had an adoptive mom/friend recently remind me that it’s okay to not feel festive or in the “Christmas spirit” because this is just all exhausting. She was so right! Even still, I have been feeling this building sense of guilt and shame. Guilt and shame over the things I haven’t been doing well, the ways I have lacked compassion for my daughter, lacked patience for all of our kids, lacked kindness and gentleness, the ways I haven’t cared well for our family or made much of Jesus in our home, the ways selfishness and pride have reigned in my heart, the ways self pity and anger have led my thoughts.

As I cried, identifying my lack, feeling like a failure, I was so aware of my sin and shame and guilt, completely exhausted. Yet I found myself becoming even more grateful for Christmas. At Christmas, Hope was born. At Christmas, Light broke through. Christmas is the beginning to the answer to everything we lack. Maybe my brokenness, realization of my deep need for Jesus and my lack of “Christmas spirit” really is the true Christmas Spirit taking residence even more deeply in my weary soul. We celebrate Jesus coming to earth on Christmas. He is not only the answer to every hurt, suffering, weariness, sin and struggle we carry today. Because of Christmas, He is also near. He is our great comforter, intercessor and mediator because He has experienced every sorrow, temptation and suffering we carry. Jesus came at Christmas to bring salvation and to be near. Come to Jesus. There truly is peace, joy and hope eternal. #hopewins #hopestillwins