When the day winds down, when the paperwork is put away, when the projects are done, and when the distractions end for the day, everything gets quiet. The stillness can sometimes be deafening. But in the silence, it's easier to ask questions and think about the hard answers.
I like to be busy. I don't like to be still. I deal with life and stress with projects. Just ask Paul. He has endured many pinterest projects-- even before pinterest existed! He often remarks that I frequently add uneccesary, intensive projects at moments where the stress and pressure of our circumstances would be enough on their own. I love to get lost in a project, cross things off my list, stay focused-- all the while avoiding the stillness. Can anyone relate? A project with a list of "to-do's" to cross off is way more manageable than dealing with the messines of my heart before God. Anyone?
Over the past several weeks, God has used these quiet moments to show me something. He has graciously revealed more sin in my heart. Dr. Tim Lane spoke at Calvary in February. He talked about how we need to look at how we are living to see what our theology really is. I can tell you that God is sovereign and trustworthy. I know this is the truth. But when you hear my anxiety riddled heart, you might start to see a different picture. If I really believed what I say I believe, my life would look a lot different! You see, all of our sin stems from something we aren't fully believing about who God is.
This question has been following me around like a shadow the last few weeks. I finally allowed myself to face this reality when I became still before the Lord. While I say God has a perfect plan for my life, I don't live out of that truth. Particularly when I look at the way God is forming our family, I don't have a resounding faith that this is God's best plan. In the quiet places of my heart, this is what you would hear, "I must have done something to mess up the best plan. If adoption is so wonderful, why doesn't everyone adopt? Having babies is the better way. I'm not good enough. I must have failed somewhere. This has got to be plan B."
I have been a Christian for decades. I have faced trials and joys with the Lord that have shown His faithfulness. I know the truth of His word and His character. Yet, my thoughts and actions say something far different. If I believe that this is plan B for my life, I will be jealous of everyone who is getting what I perceive to be God's best. I will feel distant from God, believing I have somehow ruined the better plan. I will approach God based on my works, striving to do better to acheive His best gifts. As I continue to play this forward in my mind, I realize that if I continue to believe this, I will view Kai as God's less than perfect plan. I don't ever want to project that onto Kai! You see, what I believe is lived out in all of my relationships with others and with God.
Don't run away from the silence. Meet God in the stillness. Allow Him to show you where the theology in your head is different from the theology you are living out of. Ask Him to show you where you fail to perfectly believe who God is. On this side of Heaven, none of us will serve Him perfectly or fully understand who He is. We won't love Him perfectly or fully live out that love. But don't get caught up in busyness. Don't get lulled to sleep by the sounds of life. Get serious about dealing with your heart with the Lord. Let Him make you more like Himself. In the stillness, you become part of something beautifully messy. Don't miss out.