I committed to work on writing weekly this year. There’s not a lot I can do in this season. Writing helps me process. A few weeks ago, I received a prompt and I have been stuck on it ever since.
“Show me your prayer life, and I’ll show you what you believe about God.”
I have been ruminating on this for weeks. My prayer life isn’t impressive right now. I have no prayer journal. The app that I use to regularly pray for needs hasn’t been opened in months. My prayer life isn’t what you might imagine.
During our pursuit of Ella, I prayed with urgent fervor. Though uncertain of the timing of His answers, I knew He would ultimately see us through. I knew we were doing what He was asking of us, so my prayers had some underlying expectation of His power, goodness and strength.
Now, instead of feeling that sense of rest in God completing His work , I find myself feeling desperation. These days, weeks are hard. I realize the depth of my impatience, frustration, irritation, selfishness, anger and desire for control. I find myself absolutely desperate for God’s grace and mercy. I need more of Him. I need less of me. My prayers these days have been full of desperate confessions.
Lately, I am so aware of how Holy God is and how far I fall. There is no false sense of security right now. It can be easy to slip into the mindset that God is pleased with me because of my obedience in any area. The reality is that God is pleased with me because of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus.
Certainty of God’s work on our behalf is good. Trust in God’s goodness is good. Conviction of sin is good. Deepened understanding of God’s holiness is good. Confession is good. Spiritual disciplines are good. Consistent and healthy prayer is good and spiritual life-giving.
I am thankful that my prayer life doesn’t give me righteousness. God is always working in me. He doesn’t love me more in seasons when things fall in place more easily. He doesn’t love me less when my life feels overwhelming. My place is secure and He gives us the incredible gift of prayer. A gift that helps us know God and commune with Him and experience His life-giving grace. #rhythmwriting2021