Prone to Wander
Standing in the worship service this morning, we sang the phrase, "my hope is in the Lord." As I uttered those words, I immediately became aware of my lack of hope at times.
Our son was abandoned as an infant. He had brain surgery before he was one year old. He may likely face other surgeries and health issues in his future. We have missed the first two years of his life. Orphanage workers were the only ones to hear his first words and see his first steps. He will never know why his family couldn't keep him. He will never know if he has his dad's smile or his mom's eyes.
These things cause fear to swell in my heart. So I get busy. I plan. I read. I prepare. I try my best to avoid dealing with the anxiety or really facing the pain of some of these realities. I learn about attachment, read about neurosurgery, create plans for how we will deal with Kai's medical conditions and emotional struggles. I avoid feeling the sadness and anxieties. When someone asks about Kai's health, I share our plans for his medical care- how we hope to surround Him with a great medical team. I focus on what we will do for Kai.
This morning it struck me, my hope isn't always in the Lord. In fact, these anxieties show me that my hope is in me and in my plans. My heart believes that Kai will ultimately be better when he is home with us. True, it will be amazing for Kai to be loved by a family and cared for with western medicine. However, Kai's greatest need isn't physical health or emotional wholeness. Kai's greatest need is Christ. God loves Kai more than we ever will. He is sovereign over Kai's health and life today, tomorrow and after we bring him home. I don't know what Kai's life will bring or how many years it will last. But God is faithful. God is sovereign. He is Lord over me and Lord over Kai. How quickly I forget that when I think of our little boy who is so far away.
My greatest responsibility as his mom isn't to ensure his physical health, but to show him Jesus. My greatest pleaure as his mom isn't to hold him as a baby and treasure every single moment and milestone, but to love him as Christ loves me. As I surrender my anxieties to God, I realize I was never meant to bear the weight of them in the first place. God is sovereign over every one of Kai's days. God was present for every one of Kai's moments that no one else saw. When I remember these truths and cling to God's perfect love for me and for Kai, I can say, my hope is in the Lord.
I love the end of the hymn, "Come Thou Fount." It is a confession of our lack of steadfast hope in Christ at times. What a relief to know that God is faithful when I am not. What a joy to know that God will continue to grow my hope. There will be moments even this week when my hope won't be in the Lord. So, my prayer is:
O to grace how great a debtor, daily I'm constrained to be. Let that grace now, like a fetter bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I fe
el it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord. Take and seal it for Thy courts above.