To the First Moms of My Kids
To the first moms of my kids,
It has been a year since I have written, but we think of you often. We planted these flowers for you. As Kai picked them out, he said it makes him happy and sad. I think that’s right. I feel it too. I am happy that these incredible kids are in our lives and so sad for all you and they have lost. We’re learning to hold the happy and sad together.
Your children are amazing and thriving and beautiful. I wish you could see it. I wish you had the comfort of knowing they survived.
As they get older, they have more questions. Why couldn’t you take care of them? Sadly, we may never know. There is so much unknown. But we talk about poverty, sickness and access to healthcare. We talk about the love and courage it required to take these babies to a place where they would be cared for. We talk about how hard that decision must have been, the kiss goodbye. My heart stops when I think about the moment you turned away. The courage, the sorrow, the desperation. It isn’t lost on me.
Thank you for choosing life, walking through possibly difficult pregnancies, traumatic births, sorrowful diagnoses. Thank you for continuing on, facing poverty and broken systems. Thank you for facing ultimate darkness, seeing a flickering light of hope and moving forward. That flickering light of hope that may have seemed on the verge of going dark has fanned into a beautiful and strong flame.
There are no words to express the ache I feel for you. Mom to mom, I can’t imagine what goes through your heart and mind. I can’t fathom the ache of your empty arms. But I want you to know that there is a God who can give peace beyond comprehension, beauty for ashes, restoration of lost years. There is a God that loves you more than you love the child who you carried for so long.
We prayed for you today. May you somehow know the incredible love of Jesus. May the Gospel take hold of your heart and give you hope that cannot fade. I wish you could see their faces today, but pray that you may see their faces one day in eternity, when your tears and theirs will be wiped away and our grief will be no more.