What Took So Long?
What took me so long to let go? I have always known that I could be the most perfect parent and my kids may still struggle or choose not to love Jesus. That I could do everything right as a wife, but still have rough seasons of marriage. I have always known that I could do every healthy thing, but still have health issues. We can’t dictate outcomes in life.
But it has taken me a long time to really accept it. Because I kind of do think I have control. I do think that if I find the right diet and workout, I will have a healthy body. But our bodies are broken. I do think that if I disciple my kids perfectly, they will love Jesus. But, I am not their Savior. I do think that if I say the right things and sacrifice in friendships, I will have the deepest community. But, friendships involve two sinners. I do think that if I spend the right amount of time in Spiritual disciplines, I will have all of the Fruit to the degree that I desire them. But, sin still muddies all of it.
All of these (and more) assumptions are false. I really have no control. Our actions matter, of course. We need to be faithful. But there is no magic formula to parenting, health, fitness, friendship, marriage, church.
When we walked through infertility, I believed that if I responded with enough faith, God would give us what we desired. I will never forget the moment the Holy Spirit showed me that it wasn’t about me grasping for control by having enough faith.
No, God, my loving and faithful and good Father. He is in control. He doesn’t love and bless me only when He is pleased with me. His favor doesn’t depend on my faith. He doesn’t curse my life with loss and suffering when He is displeased. There’s no magic formula to figure Him out. There’s no right way to trick Him into giving me what I want.
He is in control. He is sovereign. He is good. The sooner we find Him as He truly is, the sooner we can let go of that control, finding rest.
If you’re like me, this battle may last a lifetime. But be quick to confess your pursuit of control, see God for who He is and how deeply He loves you. Find rest.